A Narnian Princess
by Fayra Lee
Summary: After coming back from Narnia, Jill is insecure of Aslan´s love for her. SC and LB spoilers


**Disclaimer**: they belong to C.S. Lewis, of course.

**Warning**: A few spoilers for Silver Chair and Last Battle.

**A.N**: many many thanks to Capegio, who beta-read it for me.

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**A Narnian Princess**

The first time, Eustace had to take her by the hand and Jill entered the room looking at everyone between the locks of hair in her face. She was trying to hide the shyness, saying to herself that those people were just Eustace's relatives, not the legendary Narnian sovereigns who'd been missed ages after their departure. Lucy smiled at her. Edmund and Peter seemed to be pretty normal boys, joking and laughing. Listening to the gentle bickering and teasing between the cousins, she almost succeeded in convincing herself that they weren't all that different from her.

Almost.

Because Edmund's eyes were so wise Peter's look so royal and majestic and in Lucy's smile there was a mystery that Jill could only associate with Narnia. That she could only, for lack of a better word, call Grace. There was Grace all around her. The same thing Jill had felt talking with Aslan. In all of them there was the trace of Aslan's shadow.

Jill was silent until they asked her about the adventure, and so she talked about the giants, the recipe book, everything, but she couldn't quite relax. Lucy's eyes. Those eyes wouldn't have cried in front of that woman. Those eyes wouldn't have let her eat a talking animal - they would have known. Somehow. And they would surely have never ever doubt Aslan's existence, not even for one minute.

Those were the eyes of a queen. A real queen of Narnia.

Hours after the meeting, alone in her bedroom, Jill was still thinking about Lucy. And asking herself why, having that brave and wise and perfect girl, Aslan would have chose _her_, Jill, to go to Narnia this time.

XxXxXxXx

They talked about Narnia all the time. Jill heard about the first day and Narnia's creation, about the apple and Jadis and the sacrifice. She heard about the golden age and the snake of the sea and Caspian and everything. She heard all the stories until she had them memorized. And she also told them her own.

But while she did it, even though she was talking and interrupting Eustace to add details to the narrative, while she listened to their laughs and questions, she was still ashamed. And when she had to mention the signs, the dream - dream? - she had had with Aslan, then she would avoid meeting their eyes. Especially Lucy's. She honestly didn't know how Eustace could talk so lightly about all the stupid mistakes they had made, since the beginning of the journey up to the point where they met the prince completely by accident.

"Do you guys think," she asked carefully, "that Aslan is, you know, disappointed?"

"Of course not," Edmund answered. "After all this time, He's probably already used to it."

"Yes," Peter agreed with a smile. "Do you remember the crazy way I choose to get to Caspian that time?"

"And the book that I just went on reading?" Lucy said.

And then they all started to recall the silliness and mistakes they had made before, Peter's stubbornness, Lucy's childness, everything, and Jill said quietly:

"But _you_ wouldn't have forgotten _all_ the signs."

Lucy thought about it:

"I don't know. Aslan once told me we can not know what could have happened. One thing is for sure, I did a lot of mistakes when I was there."

"So did I," said Peter.

Edmund smiled sweetly and everyone knew what he was thinking. Then Eustace said:

"Well, I didn't."

Lucy started to laugh. Edmund smiled and that lightened the mood. Jill just looked at them.

Lucy could be as meek as she wanted –she could afford it. Really, what mistake had she made? And it was always with her that Aslan would talk to, even more than with Peter.

"I don't know," she said slowly "Sometimes He got me a little scared…"

"Well, that happens sometimes," said Lucy. "After all, He's not a-"

"...tame lion," the boys said in chorus.

"Yes."

Then Lucy looked at Jill. Her eyes were suddenly alight "But he is good. I - I almost envied you. Sometimes I think I don't know what I would do… how much I would pay… for the chance to see Him again. Just one more time… I guess I would give everything, absolutely everything, just to spend one more minute in Narnia, to stand before Aslan and hug him again."

Jill could see the echo of those words in Peter and Edmund's face. She didn't say anything.

What she thought was that this was exactly the point… because if she, Jill, was back in Narnia again, she really didn't know if she would be brave enough to hug Aslan, like Lucy seemed to do all the time.

XxXxXxXx

When they met again in the professor's house she asked to be excused for a while. She left the others and went to the balcony.

She was thinking about the same thing when Edmund joined her. He stood silently by her side, looking at the professor's garden.

After some time, she asked:

"Do you think He loves some people more than the others?"

"No," he said instantly.

"You thought about it before," she said.

He looked at her with a slightly bemused smile.

"You answered too fast," she explained

"Clever." He smiled. "Yes, I had thought about it… and no, I don't think so."

'Why? Aslan is always talking with her. He never scolds her. I-"

"He didn't scold you."

"But he was mad, I know he was. And she never makes mistakes. I think that's why-"

"_Never_ makes mistakes?" His voice was slightly amused. "Well, maybe not as much as we do, but never?"

"Not as much as I did, anyway…"

She looked at the garden again. Then he said:

"I used to compare myself with her… with Peter too, many times."

Jill looked at him. Now Edmund was serious:

"I used to think Aslan trusted them more, talked to them more... but not that he loved them more. I thought Lucy saw him more than the rest of us. But to love… well, I always remembered, and I still remember now, what he did for me. He did that and would have done it if it was Lucy, or you, or Peter… but it wasn't. It was me. He died for me."

"He died for Narnia."

"No. I know about the prophecy and everything, someone had to die, but it didn't have to be him. I could have died and the Deep Magic would be satisfied, and then Aslan could bring someone else to reign. Everything would have been fine if he had let me die. But he didn't – he faced death himself so I could live. He did it for me."

Tears filled his eyes, and he said, "That wasn't about the prophecy. That was about love."

He turned around, hiding his eyes from her. Jill didn't say anything. She merely looked at the garden with a lump in her throat.

XxXxXxXx

She knew she was going to die. She just knew it. So after entering the stable and finding there a beautiful garden and all of her friends, and seeing herself dressed in royal vests, she almost wasn't surprised.

Almost.

Then Aslan explained what had happened and she finally understood, and she could see the deep love in the Lion's eyes. She smiled and felt the taste of tears in her mouth and she just couldn't bring herself to clean her face.

What she thought then was that she had never felt happier in her life. Happy and happy for feeling happy, because she had thought she would be afraid. She was thankful for the new clothes, as beautiful as Polly and Lucy's, and the crown and everything, and she finally understood what Edmund said that day on the professor's house. Now she knew that, dressed like that, she looked and was and Aslan had made her a true Narnian princess.

And she could barely wait to hug him.

**end **


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